He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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