Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I said "one day" and that day is not today
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
And then he peed in my hair
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