Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not