Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer

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(484): Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer http://tfl.nu/we5u

Replies (10) Good night (890) Bad night (4478)
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.

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(715): i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign. http://tfl.nu/r2le

Replies (15) Good night (5170) Bad night (923)
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(218): View more from Minnesota

Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder

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(218): Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder http://tfl.nu/zi03

Replies (10) Good night (3504) Bad night (864)
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(770): View more from Georgia

I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

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(770): I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later. http://tfl.nu/dwy3

Replies (34) Good night (831) Bad night (9468)
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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4

Replies (35) Good night (10468) Bad night (1316)
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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox

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(847): she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox http://tfl.nu/x7gb

Replies (10) Good night (968) Bad night (3829)
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(917): View more from New York City

Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics

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(917): Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics http://tfl.nu/t7mh

Replies (7) Good night (3005) Bad night (1560)
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(608): it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face" http://tfl.nu/ke0l

Replies (15) Good night (5760) Bad night (1485)
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?

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(780): I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots? http://tfl.nu/1jdo

Replies (8) Good night (1812) Bad night (1214)
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(305): View more from Florida

Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!

(216): View more from Ohio

Look at your life. Look at your choices.

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(305): Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up! (216): Look at your life. Look at your choices. http://tfl.nu/vob0

Replies (7) Good night (1221) Bad night (670)
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(925): View more from California

The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves

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(925): The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves http://tfl.nu/ye71

Replies (4) Good night (515) Bad night (1519)
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(210): View more from Texas

And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.

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(210): And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses. http://tfl.nu/edcx

Replies (3) Good night (723) Bad night (334)
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(443): View more from Maryland

I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...

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(443): I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ... http://tfl.nu/71on

Replies (1) Good night (217) Bad night (505)
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(614): View more from Ohio

I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.

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(614): I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun. http://tfl.nu/8d32

Replies (0) Good night (360) Bad night (226)
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(817): View more from Texas

Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.

(817): View more from Texas

Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".

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(817): Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender. (817): Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii". http://tfl.nu/6w6n

Replies (2) Good night (464) Bad night (246)

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