Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.