genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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