a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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