worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
