Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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