still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
