The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
