My room smells like vodka and shame
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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