I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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