You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
In other news, I just burned my penis
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
