Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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