My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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