hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
