She said her name was "party"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
