I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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