my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
