his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
