i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
