This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
