No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
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You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
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that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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