I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
