I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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