The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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