I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
