Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
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I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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