would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize