I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
