dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
