did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
