I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
