A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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