Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
