i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
