My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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