I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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