I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
