Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i came on her dog
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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