Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
