i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
