At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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