we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
