I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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