I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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