So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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