I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dating After Heartbreak
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin