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I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
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