My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Randomize
