What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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