I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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