I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
