Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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