my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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